He's on the Roof; I think it's Dangerous - Guide your Child to Obey in Social Situations

We were at a potluck lunch meal. Several children were more interested in playing outside with their friends, than getting their meal, but the parents were getting food from the tables. I wasn't in line, yet, but I was standing near all the people, chatting with a friend, Sarah, who is a mother of 5 grown children and 2 young children. 

Andrew, another friend and father came in from outside and walked up to us. He greeted us and hesitated a bit before turning to Sarah, "Your son was up on the roof. I think it's dangerous."

My thoughts were running fast, pondering how dangerous it would be for a boy age 9 to be climbing around on a roof. On top of that, would other children follow him? Scary thought. Andrew must have thought the same thing as he continued, "We cannot have that. He could fall. It would be such a bad situation if someone were to fall off the roof."

Seriously true, I thought. Yes, it would be just horrible. Think of the grief of the whole group, the sorrow, the worry. The risk for a calamity was real. I was glad Andrew seemed calm, and yet wise as he continued to say, "I told him to get down. I talked with him calmly and explained the situation. I told him it's dangerous and he cannot be up there. I was patient with him and just talked with him. I think it's also good if you can speak with him, not to go up there. He's a nice boy, very energetic. We just need to direct this energy." I really thought Andrew had done well handling the situation with calmness and kindness and yet with caring concern about the safety of this child.

Sarah seemed solemn and thoughtful about this and quiet. She nodded a slight nod and Andrew left. The she looked at me and said, "He knows he's not supposed to be up there." It held a hint of the frustration of a mother who loves her child, but could be worn down from repeated incidents of misbehavior. 

"He knows he's not supposed to be up there."

What would you do? Parenting is so difficult. Who gave you the instruction manual for the boy on the roof? Reality is that children are curious, and many of them are energetic and too brave for their own safety. This can happen. So then what do you do?

"He knows..." this likely means this has happened before, and he was told before not to go up there and the danger. At this point, it is not an innocent toddler wandering off. This is a nine-year old blatantly disobeying. This situation is very dangerous, and yet the child will not obey. 

At that moment, Sarah, the mother, went to talk to her son about not going up on the roof. I was left to consider the situation, and to go get my lunch. My thoughts went to both the empathy for any adult working with challenging children. How exhausting it can be as they constantly push the limits and frustrating when they don't obey, many times blatantly disobeying. I feel a great deal of support for so many mothers in this situation, unsure what to do when their child does not obey. 

The next thing I pondered was, "What motivation did the child have to obey his mother?" This is really important if the child is to be safe, he needs a reason to do what he's told. Could he be motivated by this man, Andrew, who talked with him. For some children that would be enough, especially if he looked up to and respected Andrew. If Andrew had encouraged him before and seemed like a neat, strong guy, then this boy may be motivated to stay off the roof because of the man. Often this is not enough. The mother talking to him is probably not enough, because sounds like she talked to him before, and he still went up again. 

Another thing to remember is that talking to a child could be considered actually a reward, not a negative experience. He did get attention, after all. Is he going to reason, "I shouldn't go up on the roof, because adults might talk patiently and kindly to me." Doesn't sound like a good motivator. The danger we'd hope would motivate him, but maybe he doesn't believe it's dangerous. Looks like he went back up again, after he'd been talked to before. 

So there needs to be something to motivate this child besides the danger that he doesn't recognize. Maybe he needs to sit with his mother and not play outside with the other kids for a while. Ten minutes sitting, not playing might give him time to think. Maybe more time not playing since it was a dangerous situation. Maybe then he'd reason, "If I go up there, I'll have to sit with my mom for a while, and not play outside. I'd prefer to play outside, so I'll go somewhere else." Maybe he needs just to sit near mom for 10 minutes, plus stay inside for the rest of the afternoon. If he doesn't obey, could he lose a toy, or miss an activity, or go to bed early, or write about the reasons to stay off the roof. 

The main thing is that this child needs a motivation beyond talking. He needs some consequence that will help him think and act differently the next time. 

This mom could do it on her own or others at this regular potluck could support her in devising some rules and a plan of action. Any time any of her supporters see him doing something he shouldn't, all those 2 or 3 involved adults could point him to the same consequence and all insist that he obey or go sit out for a determined amount of time. Maybe the other parents can develop rules and a child who crosses the rule could sit by the wall for 10 minutes. Repeated rule breaking could result in staying with mom the rest of the day, or losing a toy or activity. With or without others support, the child needs motivation to change. He needs a change quickly. That is just too dangerous.