It's not what you say, children watch what you DO. Avoiding "I TOLD you to..."

Does this sound familiar? "I TOLD you to go to bed." Somehow it didn't matter what you said, did it? You tell them and tell them. You remind them over and over. You patiently tell them. You warn them. You explain to them. Telling and telling and telling. When will they learn? 

When will YOU learn? You have tried this before, haven't you? You have warned them, threatened them, talked to them, told them over and over, but still they don't do it. When will they learn? NO. When will you learn? Do you realize that talking did not change their behavior?

At the beginning I said, "Somehow it didn't matter what you said, did it?" And in your mind you may have thought, "IT SHOULD matter I say." How many of us fight that battle, "It SHOULD matter what I say." They should LISTEN to me. 

Oh, they heard you. They heard you every time. They saw you scream. They heard you repeat. Warnings after warnings actually did go in their ears. Your children heard the words. They heard them over and over and over. Again and again. 

When will they learn? Wrong question. Hasn't worked so far, has it? 

When will you learn? Pause... It hasn't worked so far, has it? 

If you've been saying, "WHY won't they ever listen?!" maybe it's time to make a slight change. Instead of asking that question over and over, let's change it. Let's make it a statement. Take off the word "WHY". Now that sentence is like this:

"They won't ever listen." 

Getting closer, but not quite completely accurate. Let's add a qualifier.

"They won't ever listen to mere words."

Children are learning language and social skills. When they hear words, they ask themselves "What does it mean?" and "What will happen?" It doesn't really matter much about the words, just a little. It really matters about the actions. What will you do? What will happen? 

"I TOLD you to go to bed."

What happened?

Did they have a consequence? Did they get a reward? Did get to play longer? Did you speak to them? Speaking to them in any way is a reward. Even negative talk is preferred to children over nothing, so talking to them more is a reward. Did you reward them by talking to them? Did you get upset and making funny screeches and get all red in the face? That could actually be a reward to them as well. Wow, that's more exciting than going to bed. What a funny face! And I still got to play a little longer. Did you explain to them all about the good things in going to bed. Remember talking is a reward. Keep it super short or tell them in the morning the benefits of sleep. Not now. Talking to an adult is a reward and going to bed might not be. Maybe your actions have just rewarded your child for not going to bed. 

What were the actions that followed you telling them to do something? The child is asking, "What happens?" YOUR answer might be ,"I TOLD him I would do something." That might be what you said. Those are words. The child is watching what HAPPENS. Instead of thinking about YOUR answer, think about what the child is seeing.

Let's repeat what I said above. The child is asking, "What happens?" What is THE CHILD's answer to that question?" Did he have a negative thing happen? Did he get adult attention? Did he get to keep playing? Did she get to see a funny red face? Did the adult stop, come over and talk to him? Was bedtime delayed by this discussion? 

Actions motivate children. Experiences teach them. They watch the results most. Until the child has a negative experience for not obeying or more a much more positive experience for obeying, the child will not have motivation to obey. 

If you catch yourself saying, "I TOLD you to ____." Maybe it's time to stop talking. What's a small consequence to give instead? Try something mild and appropriate. Take a small little action and stop talking. Give a time out for a few minutes. Place them in another room. Remove a privilege that they wanted to do the next day. Practice (if it is boring) could be a negative consequence that could be appropriate. Provide a motivating answer to the question, "What happens."

You want the child thinking, "When I don't go to bed, ____ happens, and I don't like that." I'd better go to bed. For example, "When I don't go to bed, I don't get to play with ___ tomorrow. That's not fun. I want to play with ____. I'd better go to bed" Another example, "When I don't eat my vegetables, I don't get dessert. I sure would like dessert." "When I don't pick up my clothes, I sit in time out, or I don't get ___." 

You don't want the child thinking, "When I don't pick up my toys I get lots of attention from my mom. I like that. Sure is nice when she talks to me. Then she picks them all up. No problem, I'll keep on ignoring her commands to pick up my toys." This is not what you want. Make something happen that will motivate good behavior. Words are not enough. It's what you do. It's all about what happens.

"When will they learn?!" you may say in frustration. They have learned. They know nothing bad happens and they have chosen to not listen.

"When will they learn to change their behavior?" It's all about the actions. As soon as there is a consequence they don't like, an action that was not fun or an experience that they do not want to have again. Not severe, just a  mild to moderate negative experience will motivate them to make a change. Even a positive experience for obeying that is better what they are currently doing can help. 

Change the sentence "I told you to___." into action. Say, "Since you didn't do ____, you need to ___ (go to time-out, sit in your room, lose a toy, etc)". Take an action. 

Remember, "They won't listen (to mere words)." The action is what matters most.